Good (late) morning, Internet! It's a lovely day, at least in my corner of the world, and I feel like babbling at you. Take it or leave it!
I've had some really great conversations lately with those closest to me. Very productive, open and honest, in the way that only real trust and closeness can produce. It's a good feeling.
I wrote a bit the other day alluding to how I've changed in the past year. I thought about it a little more, and this is the crux of it, I think:
Some time ago, I made the deliberate choice to embrace optimism as my personal philosophy (though actually, perhaps optimalism is more accurate/specific to how I feel). It's how I've always wanted to be, deep down, even though I often had trouble following through on it. I truly believe that negativity and pessimism are addictive, toxic influences. My personal experiences tell me that they hold your whole life hostage, eat away at your mind and make you almost inescapably miserable - you can attempt to distract yourself, but ultimately, if you're stuck in that negative frame of mind, you're gonna wind up straight back in the gloom eventually. I'd been through that too many times, but fortunately I got to a point where I had that "moment of clarity" and realized how much I hated being that person. Who I used to be, I now recognize, was weak, afraid and insecure. So I changed.
So who am I now? This is gonna be rambly, but here it is: I'm being open and honest with myself and others - not that I was dishonest before by any stretch, but I'm much more aware of my own thoughts and feelings than I used to be, which makes it all easier. I'm living without doubt. I no longer hang my strength on other people or other things; I'm fighting those urges, I've learned from my bad bets, and I've reinvested it all in myself. I'm looking to the future. No dwelling. No "what ifs". No vicious cycles of regret and doubt and over-thinking everything. No passivity or avoidance - If life gives me trouble, I want to confront it head-on, on my terms, because I have to elevate above it rather than be dragged down into it. That's how I feel - I just hope it makes sense. ;)
To be honest, I haven't had the most enjoyable week. My website was hacked, I've had some personal stresses, and a laundry disaster involving a kerosene lamp. But I dealt with it all, learned a few things for next time, and now I'm moving forward. Because that's what I'm doing now, and it's working out, friends.
Okay, enough rambling. Because I'm on a Mother Mother kick, I leave you with this: