Where I've Been, Where I'm Going

I think it's important to reminisce every now and then. Not too often. The past is gone and that's a good thing, ultimately. But just a quick look back, a peek at the view below you, to see where you stood then and where you stand now. It's weird to think of myself even two years ago. I'm not that person anymore, not in the ways that count. I'm not "finished" yet, not by any means, but there are some things about living that I understand now in a way I never used to. There are things I said and did that make me shudder with embarrassment (just as I'm sure I'll wince when I read this after I hit 30).

If I didn't have Very Serious Opinions on the topic of time travel, I'd almost wish I could go back to tell my younger self a few things. Like that adulthood isn't something to be feared or fought. Getting older doesn't mean you have to give up the things you love, and it doesn't mean you have to slow down and get boring - you just have to accept new responsibilities (to yourself and others), learn to be self-reliant (and reliable!) and hold yourself to an ever-higher standard. It's harder, but the rewards are worth it. You learn how to manage real freedom and responsibility, and the essential balance between them.

You get to make choices. Real, big, awesome choices. And each one comes with consequences, with sacrifices, pleasures, freedoms and responsibilities. On some level I always recognized this, but actually feeling it all, the positive along with the negative, is something else. Everything you do has an impact, small or large, on the people and the community around you. Your pleasure may come at the price of another's pain, or your fortune directly from another's expense. And part of being an adult - probably the most important part - is honestly accepting responsibility for the results of your choices. Sometimes that means you have to look at yourself in an ugly light and make some hard decisions about who you are and who you want to be. Sometimes that means having to choose doing what you feel is right over being "nice" or being liked. That decision is yours, and so are the consequences - and you have to own them.

Everyone learns these things at a different rate - some are born into privilege, in a bubble. Others are born into struggle and responsibility from a young age and need to grow quickly just as a matter of survival. I was always pretty fortunate - we weren't rich, but I grew up living in a comfortable zone that a lot of other people don't get. And I'm much further from rich now, but I still automatically benefit every day from a lot of things based solely on what I am: my colour, my gender, my orientation. And in the past (and I'm going back way further than a few years now) it was easy to just live in that bubble and feel like my own little struggles and feelings were big and real and important, but I can't do that anymore. You have to step out of it - even if you can never understand first-hand other peoples' struggles and experiences, you at least have to do your best to try, to be conscious of reality beyond your own perceptions.

Ultimately everyone has to learn this stuff and there are no excuses not to. Right?


I used to have a hard time with change. My biggest, most crippling fear was always rejection. I avoided a lot of risks because of that fear, and as a result often let my life get stagnant. The mere thought of losing people - even "just" acquaintances - was a dull ache I couldn't chase away. I would react to change with deep mourning - even if I kept it hidden inside. I couldn't let go. Like an emotional hoarder. In my mind, people and things in my life had to stay there, purely for my own selfish needs, even if there was nothing left to keep. When people didn't "get" me it felt like a slight, or a personal failing. All of it, eating away at me always.

But now, mostly, I think, I hope, I seem to get and accept that no one thing or person or whatever is made for everyone. People may not enjoy or like who I am or what I do for valid personal reasons that I have no control over, and that's fine. It has no effect on me. It's out of my hands and not worth my energy worrying about. (And at times I may worry about it anyway, but I try to push it aside.)

I've even effectively let people fall out of my life on several occasions. I've abandoned interests, hobbies, mindsets, outright. Not with any malice - it's either because I've realized I have no real connection with them anymore, or because they've had a negative impact on my emotional state and/or sense of well-being that I could no longer accept or justify. And there's nothing wrong with that, at all. Sometimes you outgrow people, things or situations. Or you both grow in separate directions - however you look at it. (Though there are a lot of people I just plain haven't kept in touch with well, which is a different thing entirely.)

And that gnawing feeling? That doesn't really get to me anymore. Because sometimes what comes next, and who you'll be next, is so much better.

Summer

So it's been... a whole season since I last updated here. I am clearly a terrible blogger, but I've been fairly busy and haven't felt a need to update lately (regular comic updates and constantly spewing nonsense on Twitter have me pretty tapped out, Internet-wise). Summer managed to blast by even quicker than usual, but it was a pretty good one overall. And just for the hell of it, here are 25,000 words' worth of pictures that pretty well sum it up.

Maya

If you know me, you probably know Maya. She was my dog. My little sister. She joined my family when I was 13, a very impulsive decision on our part. We happened upon a new litter of puppies while having a day out at the lake and fell in love with her instantly - she introduced herself by attacking my dad's shoelaces, and that was it. She was not for sale. I am not ashamed to say I pleaded dramatically, and with very little dignity, until I convinced the breeders to change their minds. From that moment on, it was the four of us.

She brought more love into our lives than I can really describe. She was sweet, loving, bossy, and feisty. She always lit up the room. She was perfect. We loved her totally. She made us better people, and a stronger family.

About two months ago, I discovered a small growth underneath Maya's chin. Soon after, she went in to the vet for tests. Eventually they confirmed that Maya had developed Lymphoma. There was nothing they could do. She was prescribed some medicine to help stop the pain and to give her a little more time.

Early yesterday morning, it stopped working.

Just before 3:00 yesterday afternoon, Maya was euthanized. We said our goodbyes, held her, kissed her, and helped comfort her as much as we could. Feisty as ever, she put up a little fight when her catheter was adjusted. But after that, she lied down for the last time, each of us holding her, and went peacefully.

We haven't stopped crying for long since. I'm trying to hold it together and I'm mostly failing. It's damn hard - I knew it would be, but it's somehow even harder than I could have foreseen. But I keep reminding myself that the only reason it hurts so much is because she made us so happy for so long.

She lived 15 years. They were good ones. She had some health issues earlier in her life, and she bounced back from all of them. She took care of us, and we took care of her. The last thing we did was take care of her.

I'll love her and miss her forever. She made my life better, and I can never thank her enough for that.

Video: An Invocation for Beginnings

Randomly ran across a video today that's been bouncing around the Internet for a month or so. I'm late to the party, but whatever - it's pretty great. A lot of important truths here.



Damn well said, I think.

Photos: Logan at the Park

For the sake of a quick update, here are some recent photos of my best buddy Logan at his favourite place: the park down the street. It's getting downright summery out there, and the nicer it gets, the more often he asks to go for walks - which usually means the two of us running around the park like maniacs for a while.









More updates as soon as I have time! Life's good, though. Hope all is well with you too, Internet Friends!

Sushi (Avocado/Cucumber Rolls)

It's been a while since I've done one of these. Like last time, I've been holding onto the pictures for weeks now, but I've been busy with other things and couldn't justify sitting down long enough to write up the post to go with them. I find myself with a little extra time this morning, so here we go.

Earlier this month, my girlfriend and I had a little date night in, and decided to try our hands and making sushi. One of our first dates was going out for sushi (which she'd never had before), and that triggered a bit of an addiction, so making our own seemed like a great idea. Nothing particularly challenging -- I made cucumber/avocado rolls and I believe she made ones with salmon. But it was also something I'd never tried before, and didn't know what to expect.

First up, we cooked the rice. Simple enough. After it was done, we added rice vinegar and put it in the fridge for a while to cool down.

As the rice cooled, I got to work cutting my vegetables into roll-able strips and preparing the Nori sheets.

Once the rice was ready, I spread it evenly...ish across the Nori, then made a line of cucumber and avocado near the end. This one didn't turn out as well as future attempts - I was being a bit too cautious, I think?

I neglected to add sesame seeds to this batch, but y'know, that's a good idea too.

Next up, I carefully rolled from the edge with the vegetables, "sealing" the end with the rice. Then I just had to chop them up into smaller pieces and they were ready to eat.

And that's that! Easy and delicious.

We've been doing this pretty regularly since, and have gotten a bit better at it. Keep in mind these rolls are about as easy as it gets, but for a first attempt I think I did pretty well here. If you like sushi, these are pretty simple to do, so there's no reason not to try.

(Next time perhaps I'll try making rolls with the rice on the outside!?)

Tumbl On

Just a quick note today:

Because I feel the need to join every social networking site in existence for some reason, I've signed on with Tumblr recently. It's in no way replacing this blog - I'll mainly be using it to post new and old comics and sketches, as well as follow and share stuff from the comics/art community there.

So if you tumbl, tumbl on over to http://bryesque.tumblr.com!